1 April…tjaptjoi uit je bil
Ha die Kareltje,
De reden van mijn afwezigheid is inderdaad dat er een leger aan ziektekiempjes m’n lichaam binnen zijn gedrongen toen ik even niet oplette. Met een aantal aggressieve koortssoldaten in de frontlinie. Toen ik gisteren echter net het gevoel had dat het beter met me ging ben ik slachtoffer geworden van een flauwe grap die me opnieuw de das omdeed. Ik zal het uitleggen;
Na een nacht van weinig slapen door een vergeten thermometer in m’n bilnaad, een pyama vol zweet en een kussensloop als een plank door opgedroogde snotvegen werd ik rond 3.30 uur uit mijn bed gebeld met een verontrustend telefoontje. Het was de voorzitter van de fietsclub met de vraag of ik zo snel als mogelijk naar het clubhuis kon komen. Hij vertelde zojuist tijdens zijn patrouille rondje een inbreker in de kraag gegrepen te hebben toen deze een greep in onze clubkas deed rond 3 uur in de nacht. Of ik hem direct te hulp kon schieten. Nog voordat de voorzitter kon uitpraten heb ik de hoorn op de haak gegooid en ben ik in mijn pyama op de fiets gesprongen richting clubhuis…
Eenmaal bij het clubhuis aangekomen zag alles er compleet verlaten en donker uit, de achterdeur stond echter op een kier dus ik ben met mijn ALDI fietspomp stevig in de vuist richting ingang getijgert. Nadat ik met 1 been binnenstond en met mijn hand op zoek was naar het lichtknopje voelde ik een metalen voorwerp tegen mijn slaap gedrukt worden. De chinese tjaptjoi van de dag ervoor liep op dat moment aan de binnenkant van m’n pyamabroek langs m’n benen omlaag.
Een boze en zware stem brulde vervolgens vanuit het donker naar me dat ik mijn kleren uit moest doen vanwege de stank en dat ik een emmer over mijn hoofd moest trekken zodat ik de inbreker niet kon zien of herkennen ofzo. Ze vertelden me onder de koude douche te gaan staan in het donker met emmer over mijn hoofd. Het was vreselijk en ik kon alleen maar denken aan onze voorzitter die misschien al wel neer was geslagen door deze onbezonnen inbreker.
Na een paar minuten verkleumen onder de koude stralen zag ik onder de rand van mijn emmer door dat iemand de lichten in het clubhuis aandeed. Dit leek me m’n redding. Niet veel later hoorde ik luidkeels gelach van een groep mensen die me qua stem bekend voorkwamen. Toen ik de deur dicht hoorde slaan en iedereen weg leek te zijn heb ik de emmer voorzichting van mijn hoofd gehaald en zag ik in koeienletters “1 APRIL FRANS!” op de muur staan. Vandaag ontving ik tevens een enveloppe met dezelfde tekst erop en een foto erin die ze gister van me gemaakt hebben voordat ik in de gaten had wat er gaande was…
Je begrijpt natuurlijk dat deze grap mijn koorts niet goed heeft gedaan en ik nu met extra verhoging in bed lig. M’n kleren hadden ze ook weggehaald dus ik moest met een eikenblad voor mijn geslachtsdelen op de fiets terug naar huis. Inmiddels begin ik weer een beetje warm te worden en hoop ik volgende week weer fit te zijn voor de lange afstandsrit naar Dokkum. Jij een leukere 1 april gehad hoop ik?
Groet van een grieperig en snotterige Frans Doeck
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